1 00:00:03,891 --> 00:00:08,131 So kiss me and smile for me 2 00:00:08,170 --> 00:00:11,530 Tell me that you'll wait for me 3 00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:17,273 Hold me like you'll never let me go... 4 00:00:17,301 --> 00:00:18,801 Come on, Smoocher, you know this one! 5 00:00:18,832 --> 00:00:21,852 I'm leaving on a jet plane... 6 00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:25,411 Oh, Martin, could you go via Boots? I need to get some clean tights. 7 00:00:25,507 --> 00:00:26,747 Good idea. 8 00:00:26,787 --> 00:00:32,707 Oh, while you're there, you might like to stock up on C-O-N-D-O-Ms. 9 00:00:32,747 --> 00:00:33,867 O-K! 10 00:00:33,907 --> 00:00:35,987 Dad! I can spell! 11 00:01:11,267 --> 00:01:12,467 Love that guy! 12 00:01:15,027 --> 00:01:17,027 Who was that randomer? 13 00:01:17,067 --> 00:01:19,187 Our fairy godfather. 14 00:01:19,227 --> 00:01:23,867 You know how we are in uno poquito di serious financial trouble-io? 15 00:01:23,907 --> 00:01:25,067 No. 16 00:01:25,107 --> 00:01:28,267 Well, I managed to turn our remaining 20 grand 17 00:01:28,307 --> 00:01:31,147 into a cool two million. Go on? 18 00:01:31,187 --> 00:01:35,907 That "randomer" is Dr Goodluck Yultide Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo. 19 00:01:37,627 --> 00:01:39,507 the Nigerian Minister of Finance. 20 00:01:39,547 --> 00:01:43,667 Oh, God. He wanted a short-term cash loan for the purchase of a contested 21 00:01:43,707 --> 00:01:47,147 oil field in rural Nigeria, and some medicines for his mother. 22 00:01:47,187 --> 00:01:50,587 He promised returns of up to 1,000%! 23 00:01:50,627 --> 00:01:52,507 Oh. Shit. 24 00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:53,987 That's Fr-Asda price. 25 00:01:55,707 --> 00:01:56,787 Yes! 26 00:02:03,107 --> 00:02:06,027 Oh, dear, that's the last of the coffee. 27 00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:08,667 I hope no one minds - I was up all night. 28 00:02:08,707 --> 00:02:09,787 Urgh, God. 29 00:02:09,827 --> 00:02:12,547 Look, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but who's to say 30 00:02:12,587 --> 00:02:14,667 Dr Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo won't come good? 31 00:02:14,707 --> 00:02:17,227 The receipt he gave you was on a Burger King napkin, 32 00:02:17,267 --> 00:02:19,387 made out to "the big bank in the town". 33 00:02:19,427 --> 00:02:21,787 He said he was in the same class as Howard from the Halifax 34 00:02:21,827 --> 00:02:23,667 at Bank School. Bank School!? 35 00:02:23,707 --> 00:02:24,867 Amazing. 36 00:02:24,907 --> 00:02:26,027 Oh, Betty Swallocks! 37 00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:28,307 So what, Fraser's lost us a bit of money. 38 00:02:28,347 --> 00:02:30,107 It's not the end of the world. 39 00:02:30,147 --> 00:02:31,227 Not so. 40 00:02:31,267 --> 00:02:33,907 We have to prove our solvency by Wednesday, otherwise 41 00:02:33,947 --> 00:02:36,387 Abbey Grove faces closure by default. 42 00:02:36,427 --> 00:02:39,427 Well let's, I don't know, put on a fundraiser? 43 00:02:39,467 --> 00:02:41,107 Oh, that is a good idea. 44 00:02:41,147 --> 00:02:43,307 We're not a charity case yet, Smoocher. 45 00:02:43,347 --> 00:02:46,747 Don't call me that! And have you got any bright ideas? 46 00:02:46,787 --> 00:02:50,307 A spare 20 grand tucked away in that bra of yours? 47 00:02:50,347 --> 00:02:53,707 Oh, I don't appear to be wearing one! 48 00:02:53,747 --> 00:02:55,747 Somebody broke the latch with his teeth. 49 00:02:55,787 --> 00:02:58,427 For Christ's sake! Grrr! 50 00:02:58,467 --> 00:03:00,827 Papa Wickers not the only animal in the family. 51 00:03:00,867 --> 00:03:02,947 This one's hung like a horse. 52 00:03:02,987 --> 00:03:04,267 A sea horse. 53 00:03:04,307 --> 00:03:06,187 Ooh, double act. Bant and Dec. 54 00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:09,667 Kill me. Hey I've got a fun and really funky idea! 55 00:03:09,707 --> 00:03:12,307 Why don't all the staff take pay cuts? 56 00:03:12,347 --> 00:03:15,187 I'm afraid my salary is non-negotiable. 57 00:03:15,227 --> 00:03:17,267 Martin and I are saving up for... 58 00:03:19,587 --> 00:03:20,787 ..something. 59 00:03:20,827 --> 00:03:22,907 Chemical castration, chemical castration. 60 00:03:22,947 --> 00:03:25,667 The solution to the school's problem is austerity. 61 00:03:25,707 --> 00:03:28,187 To keep the current salary structure in place, 62 00:03:28,227 --> 00:03:30,267 we must make swingeing cuts. 63 00:03:30,307 --> 00:03:32,427 You may have noticed Mrs Westurby's absence. 64 00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:33,707 Mrs Westurby? 65 00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:38,747 Has she got a mole? 66 00:03:38,787 --> 00:03:40,147 Smells of biscuits? 67 00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:43,387 Can't have children? Baron von Westurby! 68 00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:48,387 No, that's Mrs Vanderby. Baron Vanderby. 69 00:03:49,947 --> 00:03:51,507 I'll stop saying baron now. 70 00:03:53,627 --> 00:03:56,867 Alfie, could you cover Mrs Westurby's biology class? 71 00:03:56,907 --> 00:03:59,587 I can barely teach history. 72 00:03:59,627 --> 00:04:01,547 Urgh, fine. 73 00:04:01,587 --> 00:04:03,147 How are you going to be helping? 74 00:04:03,187 --> 00:04:05,147 I'm going to shut down the library. 75 00:04:06,307 --> 00:04:09,707 I've got it. The art block, they've got a Henry Moore! 76 00:04:09,747 --> 00:04:11,827 That must be worth loads. We could sell it? 77 00:04:11,867 --> 00:04:12,867 Had. 78 00:04:15,107 --> 00:04:19,507 They had a Henry Moore. I might have swapped it. 79 00:04:19,547 --> 00:04:21,267 You swapped it? 80 00:04:21,307 --> 00:04:22,427 What for? 81 00:04:27,347 --> 00:04:31,187 It was one of only 30 used on the set of Phantom Menace. 82 00:04:31,227 --> 00:04:33,307 It belonged to Senator Palpatine! 83 00:04:41,787 --> 00:04:43,427 Why are you all wearing your coats? 84 00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:44,987 Cos your mum turned off the heating. 85 00:04:45,027 --> 00:04:46,907 Professor Green is not my mum. 86 00:04:46,947 --> 00:04:48,867 She banged your dad. She's your mum. 87 00:04:48,907 --> 00:04:50,427 You must have a lot of dads then. 88 00:04:50,467 --> 00:04:53,507 Sir, I'm freezing. Will you share your body heat with me? 89 00:04:53,547 --> 00:04:55,347 No. Why is there no heating? 90 00:04:55,387 --> 00:04:58,147 If you must know, the school is having some financial problems. 91 00:04:58,187 --> 00:04:59,787 Why don't you sell your organs, sir? 92 00:04:59,827 --> 00:05:01,707 I heard the Queen's hamster needs a new cock. 93 00:05:01,747 --> 00:05:04,587 Guys! Please! 94 00:05:04,627 --> 00:05:06,947 You do realise, if Abbey Grove shuts down 95 00:05:06,987 --> 00:05:09,027 you'll all have to go to St Edwards! 96 00:05:10,387 --> 00:05:12,867 The only school below us on the league table! 97 00:05:12,907 --> 00:05:15,387 If I go to St Edwards, the only theatre I'll end up in 98 00:05:15,427 --> 00:05:16,547 is an operating one. 99 00:05:16,587 --> 00:05:19,107 St Edwards is not that bad, babe. Dean Gaffney went there. 100 00:05:19,147 --> 00:05:20,987 Dean Gaffney? We need to raise some money! 101 00:05:21,027 --> 00:05:23,987 I could do a kiss-and-tell, sir, on this guy I'm seeing. 102 00:05:24,027 --> 00:05:27,107 Yeah, with the best will in the world, Chantelle, I doubt that 103 00:05:27,147 --> 00:05:30,507 Haroun from WH Smith is going to sell that many papers 104 00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:32,507 apart from the ones that he literally sells. 105 00:05:32,547 --> 00:05:35,867 What if you take that condom you've got in your wallet to the Antiques Road Show? 106 00:05:35,907 --> 00:05:38,347 Right, is it too much to ask to have a serious suggestion? 107 00:05:38,387 --> 00:05:40,067 I've got one. Thank you, Rem Dogg. 108 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:43,067 Sperm banks offer 60 quid for a small pot. 109 00:05:43,107 --> 00:05:46,307 We pump Mitchell's mum's stomach - a grand, easy. 110 00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:49,467 Oh, my God, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. 111 00:05:49,507 --> 00:05:50,907 What about this? 112 00:05:50,947 --> 00:05:52,107 Urgh! 113 00:05:52,147 --> 00:05:55,627 Guys, can you be serious? Do you want to go to another school? 114 00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:58,147 Stephen's dad's a banker. He could help us. 115 00:05:58,187 --> 00:05:59,947 Babes, he's a cashier at NatWest. 116 00:05:59,987 --> 00:06:01,907 What about two of us going to work in a casino, 117 00:06:01,947 --> 00:06:03,707 mapping out their security procedures, 118 00:06:03,747 --> 00:06:06,787 these guys can dress up in disguises and earn the trust of the owner, 119 00:06:06,827 --> 00:06:09,547 then Jing can do some crazy circus shit in a room full of lasers. 120 00:06:09,587 --> 00:06:12,347 We're not going to re-enact the plot of Ocean's Eleven, Mitchell! 121 00:06:12,387 --> 00:06:14,067 Ocean's Twelve? No. Ocean's Thirteen? 122 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:17,067 You're not really understanding the problem here. Ocean's Fourteen? 123 00:06:17,107 --> 00:06:18,387 It doesn't even exist! 124 00:06:21,867 --> 00:06:25,227 Hey! Pro Green's got me teaching biology. 125 00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:28,067 Said you had some stuff for me, but then I thought... 126 00:06:28,107 --> 00:06:31,227 what does everyone love? Sea-Monkeys! 127 00:06:31,267 --> 00:06:32,867 This isn't a primary school. 128 00:06:34,307 --> 00:06:36,187 Alfie, if I tell you something, 129 00:06:36,227 --> 00:06:38,787 do you promise that you won't overreact? 130 00:06:38,827 --> 00:06:40,507 When have I ever overreacted? 131 00:06:41,627 --> 00:06:44,067 I've applied for a job at a school in Soweto. 132 00:06:52,347 --> 00:06:54,627 Why are you doing this to me? 133 00:06:59,187 --> 00:07:00,587 OK? Yeah. 134 00:07:00,627 --> 00:07:01,867 Good. 135 00:07:01,907 --> 00:07:07,067 Alf, I love this school, but I need a change in my life. 136 00:07:07,107 --> 00:07:10,147 Grow a fringe! Try zumba! 137 00:07:10,187 --> 00:07:11,787 Try heroin! 138 00:07:11,827 --> 00:07:13,987 But I could do some good in Soweto. 139 00:07:14,027 --> 00:07:16,347 Instead of being stuck here in Abbey Grove, 140 00:07:16,387 --> 00:07:19,027 lurching from disaster to disaster. 141 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:20,907 But what about us? 142 00:07:20,947 --> 00:07:24,827 Our will-they-won't-they is the glue that binds this school together. 143 00:07:24,867 --> 00:07:26,867 Please don't go, Rosie, 144 00:07:26,907 --> 00:07:29,187 you're the only person on the staff that I like. 145 00:07:29,227 --> 00:07:33,187 You can't leave me here with Pro Green and Anakin Skywanker. 146 00:07:33,227 --> 00:07:35,667 The school needs you. 147 00:07:35,707 --> 00:07:37,027 I need you. 148 00:07:39,587 --> 00:07:42,987 Well, I mean, I've only just applied, so... 149 00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:44,787 let's see what happens. Yeah? 150 00:07:46,987 --> 00:07:50,267 Here you go. Frogs! Yeah. 151 00:07:50,307 --> 00:07:52,547 Oh, my God, this one's not moving! 152 00:07:52,587 --> 00:07:54,147 Maybe it's asleep. 153 00:07:54,187 --> 00:07:57,467 They're all dead. Your class are dissecting them. 154 00:07:57,507 --> 00:08:00,427 Urgh! Sure I can't just do Sea-Monkeys? 155 00:08:04,387 --> 00:08:07,867 Give that about a day and it'll be the Discovery Channel in a glass. 156 00:08:07,907 --> 00:08:09,187 Off you go, Alfie. 157 00:08:24,027 --> 00:08:25,827 Where do you want these, Pro Green? 158 00:08:25,867 --> 00:08:27,747 Next to the other sale items. 159 00:08:32,307 --> 00:08:35,107 We're putting them on "the eBay". It's "eBay". 160 00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:37,147 You can't sell our books! 161 00:08:37,187 --> 00:08:39,427 Yeah - what are the sad, lonely kids going to read 162 00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:42,147 whilst everyone else is out in the playground having fun? 163 00:08:42,187 --> 00:08:43,587 Desperate times, Mr Wickers. 164 00:08:43,627 --> 00:08:45,227 You could sell that. 165 00:08:45,267 --> 00:08:47,027 Or let me take a hammer to it. 166 00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:49,827 Why should I suffer for the school's profligacy? 167 00:08:49,867 --> 00:08:54,627 Now, I need you two to prevail upon the kitchen staff to work for free. 168 00:08:55,707 --> 00:08:58,787 Why do we have to do that? We're all in this together. 169 00:08:58,827 --> 00:09:00,707 I just think that... Ah-ah! 170 00:09:00,747 --> 00:09:03,227 We're all in this together. 171 00:09:03,267 --> 00:09:04,827 That will be all. 172 00:09:04,867 --> 00:09:08,987 All right, whatever. Let's go and give Mrs Patmore her P45. 173 00:09:09,027 --> 00:09:11,987 Mr Wickers, arretez-vous, s'il vous plait. 174 00:09:12,027 --> 00:09:13,707 Stay behind, please? 175 00:09:16,627 --> 00:09:21,147 Now, as you know, your father and I are courting. 176 00:09:21,187 --> 00:09:27,107 Courting? Marty-Bear is a wonderful, caring, passionate man. 177 00:09:28,307 --> 00:09:31,107 He, you, and I are a little family now. 178 00:09:31,147 --> 00:09:32,267 What do you want? 179 00:09:32,307 --> 00:09:35,107 We'd like you to call me "Mummy". 180 00:09:39,147 --> 00:09:40,547 Is something the matter? 181 00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:46,627 I am looking at the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. 182 00:09:49,067 --> 00:09:51,027 Oh, no - now I am. 183 00:09:55,427 --> 00:09:56,987 Trust me, I've got this. 184 00:09:57,027 --> 00:09:58,107 Are you sure? 185 00:09:58,147 --> 00:10:00,067 Er, yeah, I'm a people person. 186 00:10:00,107 --> 00:10:02,467 Yo! Kitchen goblins! 187 00:10:02,507 --> 00:10:05,587 I'm just here to tell you how much of a vital part 188 00:10:05,627 --> 00:10:08,427 of the Abbey Grove machine you guys are. 189 00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:11,227 Yeah, maybe sometimes you don't get the credit you deserve 190 00:10:11,267 --> 00:10:13,427 and you're a bit funny-looking, 191 00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:17,347 but you're like Niall from One Direction - without you 192 00:10:17,387 --> 00:10:18,827 there isn't a band! 193 00:10:20,027 --> 00:10:21,907 Ah, and we go back a bit, don't we? 194 00:10:21,947 --> 00:10:26,107 This guy, right, has got some of the best banter in the school, hey? 195 00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:29,387 And a dab hand with the ladies! Player! 196 00:10:29,427 --> 00:10:33,347 And my mate here, Iggy Pop. This guy, right, is... 197 00:10:33,387 --> 00:10:37,787 One of the nicest WOMEN I've ever worked with. 198 00:10:37,827 --> 00:10:39,267 Oh, yep! 199 00:10:40,547 --> 00:10:46,067 And my brother from another mother, old... Little Chef. 200 00:10:47,227 --> 00:10:50,467 Look, we could reminisce about the old days until the cows come home. 201 00:10:50,507 --> 00:10:53,667 But I'm here to tell you that Abbey Grove has gone bust, 202 00:10:53,707 --> 00:10:56,947 so we were wondering whether you guys would be willing to do 203 00:10:56,987 --> 00:11:01,427 "yo tang" on a sort of volunteer basis? 204 00:11:01,467 --> 00:11:02,827 Unpaid. 205 00:11:05,427 --> 00:11:09,067 That's cool, take five, have a think about it. 206 00:11:10,507 --> 00:11:11,907 I knew it. Didn't I say, 207 00:11:11,947 --> 00:11:15,707 if there was one person we could rely on, it's old... 208 00:11:15,747 --> 00:11:18,467 it's.... Gladys. 209 00:11:18,507 --> 00:11:19,667 Gladys. 210 00:11:20,787 --> 00:11:24,427 Gladys, with the hearing aids. 211 00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:27,147 I remember now. 212 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,307 She hasn't heard a word. 213 00:11:29,347 --> 00:11:31,547 It looks like Pro Green's sold all the food. 214 00:11:31,587 --> 00:11:33,547 What are we going to feed the kids now? 215 00:11:45,987 --> 00:11:49,267 What's this? We did a whip-round, sir. That's all our pocket money. 216 00:11:49,307 --> 00:11:51,667 Guys, I've been over this with you. 217 00:11:51,707 --> 00:11:54,387 As much as I'd like to, I can't buy you booze again. 218 00:11:54,427 --> 00:11:57,867 No, Alfie, the money's for saving Abbey Grove. 219 00:11:57,907 --> 00:12:00,267 We know it's not much, but... We don't want to leave, sir. 220 00:12:00,307 --> 00:12:02,827 Even though this school's got shit wheelchair access. 221 00:12:02,867 --> 00:12:05,547 And fewer GCSEs than a Premier League football team. 222 00:12:05,587 --> 00:12:07,907 It's a dump, but it's my dump. 223 00:12:07,947 --> 00:12:11,627 You know what it's like with your own brew, sir. I like the smell. 224 00:12:12,787 --> 00:12:15,467 Some beautiful words there, Mitchell. 225 00:12:16,947 --> 00:12:19,907 Guys, you've been so generous, 226 00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:21,347 but I can't accept this. 227 00:12:23,427 --> 00:12:24,907 There must be a better way. 228 00:12:27,267 --> 00:12:28,987 Ocean's Fifteen? Really? 229 00:12:37,427 --> 00:12:39,827 What are you doing? Buttering the corridor. 230 00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:42,587 Look, I really think we need to do a fundraiser. 231 00:12:42,627 --> 00:12:45,667 Alf, listen, we just simply don't have the time. 232 00:12:45,707 --> 00:12:48,667 Mitchell's dad owns a funfair. He could easily lend us some stalls. 233 00:12:48,707 --> 00:12:50,507 Unless I can pay them off in two days' time, 234 00:12:50,547 --> 00:12:52,667 the bank are gonna pop a cap in the back of my ass. 235 00:12:52,707 --> 00:12:55,347 I don't really care about your ass, I care about this school. 236 00:12:55,387 --> 00:12:59,547 Calm down, dear! This is going to send people flying. 237 00:12:59,587 --> 00:13:01,707 All we have to do is sit back, 238 00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:04,867 capture the comedy Kerrie Gold, cash said gold, 239 00:13:04,907 --> 00:13:09,427 vis-a-vis a ?250 cheque from You've Been Framed and we're in Clover. 240 00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:10,627 B-utter genius. 241 00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:14,267 Right, are there any other butter puns you just want to get out of your system now? 242 00:13:14,307 --> 00:13:16,067 I'll Lurpak it in. 243 00:13:16,107 --> 00:13:19,107 Look, the only problem with your genius plan, there's no-one here! 244 00:13:19,147 --> 00:13:20,467 Everyone's in class. 245 00:13:20,507 --> 00:13:24,067 Ah, no - I told Reggie Blinker that his dad's had another heart attack. 246 00:13:24,107 --> 00:13:25,747 Lols! 247 00:13:25,787 --> 00:13:27,107 Any minute now. 248 00:13:32,907 --> 00:13:35,147 Ha-haa! Woo-hoo! 249 00:13:35,187 --> 00:13:37,147 Did you see that? ROFLcopter. 250 00:13:37,187 --> 00:13:38,987 Does anyone care about this school? 251 00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:41,147 Ah, I forgot to press record. 252 00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:42,227 Butter-fingers. 253 00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:47,347 Reggie, do you think you've got another one in you? 254 00:13:51,387 --> 00:13:53,187 What are you doing? 255 00:13:53,227 --> 00:13:54,787 Oh, Alfie, hi. 256 00:13:54,827 --> 00:13:58,427 Um, listen, they've offered me the job... 257 00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:02,067 ..and I've decided... 258 00:14:02,107 --> 00:14:04,547 That, in the cold light of day, your hair-brained idea 259 00:14:04,587 --> 00:14:07,267 to start a new life in Soweto is totally and utterly absurd? 260 00:14:07,307 --> 00:14:08,587 To accept. 261 00:14:09,827 --> 00:14:11,067 But you can't! 262 00:14:11,107 --> 00:14:12,667 Why not? 263 00:14:12,707 --> 00:14:14,307 Soweto sounds great. 264 00:14:14,347 --> 00:14:15,547 But I need you! 265 00:14:17,907 --> 00:14:20,587 Look, there's something I have to tell you. 266 00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:27,227 Something that maybe before I didn't realise. 267 00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:32,067 Yeah, sure, back then I was just a silly little boy... 268 00:14:32,107 --> 00:14:34,547 Mmm. But I've changed. 269 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:40,147 Rosie? Yes. 270 00:14:41,187 --> 00:14:43,147 I'm... 271 00:14:43,187 --> 00:14:44,987 I'm an alcoholic. 272 00:14:45,027 --> 00:14:48,907 There, I said it. I'm drinking a bottle of whisky for breakfast. 273 00:14:48,947 --> 00:14:53,507 I'm a player with a deadly addiction to hooch and cooch. 274 00:14:53,547 --> 00:14:56,907 Stay with me, Rosie! Please don't let me end up like Georgie. 275 00:14:56,947 --> 00:14:59,827 You're not like George Best, Alfie. You barely drink. 276 00:14:59,867 --> 00:15:03,507 Er, yes I do. Last year, you got hung over from some cherry liqueurs. 277 00:15:03,547 --> 00:15:07,627 They were extremely potent. Anyway, right now I'm off the bloody rails. 278 00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:10,267 I only came in here because I'm looking for ethanol. 279 00:15:10,307 --> 00:15:12,227 I'd drink bloody anything. 280 00:15:16,227 --> 00:15:18,027 Not the Sea�Monkeys! 281 00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:20,267 Oh, my God! 282 00:15:21,507 --> 00:15:23,627 Ooh. 283 00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:25,547 I've made my tummy pregnant. 284 00:15:35,867 --> 00:15:37,307 Whoa! 285 00:15:37,347 --> 00:15:40,347 Where do you think you're going with that? Cash Converters. 286 00:15:40,387 --> 00:15:42,587 How the hell am I meant to teach without a television? 287 00:15:42,627 --> 00:15:45,107 We need to make swingeing cuts. 288 00:15:45,147 --> 00:15:46,467 Stop saying swingeing. 289 00:15:46,507 --> 00:15:49,307 It is the most annoying word I have ever heard. 290 00:15:49,347 --> 00:15:51,867 Boys, could you collect Mr Wickers' video library. 291 00:15:51,907 --> 00:15:55,787 You can take our electricity, you can take our television, 292 00:15:55,827 --> 00:15:57,707 but you can never take our... 293 00:15:57,747 --> 00:16:00,467 Braveheart, director's cut! Please let me keep this? 294 00:16:00,507 --> 00:16:02,187 Everything must go. 295 00:16:02,227 --> 00:16:06,227 Alfie, you must see you're the obvious candidate for redundancy. 296 00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:08,747 I'm trying to protect you. 297 00:16:08,787 --> 00:16:11,747 Au revoir, les enfants. 298 00:16:11,787 --> 00:16:14,347 Please, boys, it doesn't have to be like this! 299 00:16:17,387 --> 00:16:18,987 Bullshit! 300 00:16:19,027 --> 00:16:21,827 I'm getting my TV back, I'm getting my DVDs back, 301 00:16:21,867 --> 00:16:24,867 and I'm stopping Miss Gulliver from going to Soweto. 302 00:16:24,907 --> 00:16:26,467 We are doing a fundraiser! 303 00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:30,467 And it is going to be like Live Aid and Band Aid all rolled into one, 304 00:16:30,507 --> 00:16:34,187 except this time we are stopping things from going to Africa. 305 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,947 But how are you going to convince Fraser to give you permission? 306 00:16:39,507 --> 00:16:41,827 Alf, I've told you it's just not possible. 307 00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:44,347 We simply don't have the time or the resources. 308 00:16:45,387 --> 00:16:47,267 Your band can play at the fundraiser. 309 00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:48,907 So what time shall we open the doors? 310 00:16:58,187 --> 00:17:00,627 Here, go on, sir, test it out. All right. 311 00:17:08,547 --> 00:17:10,027 Shit. 312 00:17:18,827 --> 00:17:20,467 Sorry, Mr Harper. 313 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,707 Ha? 314 00:17:26,747 --> 00:17:28,627 So, 50/50 on all profits? 315 00:17:31,227 --> 00:17:32,667 Right. 316 00:17:32,707 --> 00:17:34,147 Couldn't agree more. 317 00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:35,867 You all right, Dad? Mm. 318 00:17:35,907 --> 00:17:41,267 Alf, I am so impressed that you've got all of this together in time. 319 00:17:41,307 --> 00:17:43,227 Ah, you know, it's not just me. 320 00:17:43,267 --> 00:17:45,987 Everyone's doing their bit, especially Mitchell's dad here. 321 00:17:49,187 --> 00:17:52,587 Yes, Fergal. There is no "I" in team. 322 00:17:52,627 --> 00:17:54,187 Oh, I had quite a silly idea. 323 00:17:54,227 --> 00:17:56,507 At university, we did a man auction - 324 00:17:56,547 --> 00:17:59,507 we bought the rugby team as slaves for a day. 325 00:17:59,547 --> 00:18:00,747 Pinch me! 326 00:18:02,507 --> 00:18:04,307 We could sell the teachers here! 327 00:18:04,347 --> 00:18:06,267 You could put yourself up for sale. 328 00:18:06,307 --> 00:18:07,907 Who'd want to buy me? 329 00:18:07,947 --> 00:18:09,507 I might. 330 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:11,507 He's not for sale. 331 00:18:15,107 --> 00:18:17,467 I mean, how does she even hear that far? 332 00:18:18,627 --> 00:18:20,507 Fundraiser to save our school! 333 00:18:23,387 --> 00:18:25,387 What a pickle. 334 00:18:25,427 --> 00:18:28,427 You know, after my divorce, I travelled to India. 335 00:18:29,627 --> 00:18:31,547 I saw a beggar boy there. 336 00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:33,107 His little legs didn't work 337 00:18:33,147 --> 00:18:36,507 and he was dragging himself along on a cart, begging. 338 00:18:36,547 --> 00:18:39,667 Well, don't beat yourself up about it. Everyone regrets their rebound. 339 00:18:42,467 --> 00:18:46,347 My point is, at least his sob story made him some money. 340 00:18:46,387 --> 00:18:48,067 What is your problem with me? 341 00:18:48,107 --> 00:18:51,587 I remind you that my Dad loved somebody else. 342 00:18:51,627 --> 00:18:53,387 You're being ridiculous. 343 00:18:53,427 --> 00:18:56,267 You are just his beggar boy rebound. 344 00:18:56,307 --> 00:18:58,027 Why, howdy partners! 345 00:18:59,587 --> 00:19:01,827 Look at you two, thick as thieves. 346 00:19:01,867 --> 00:19:05,067 Hi, Dad. I love you. 347 00:19:05,107 --> 00:19:07,347 Whoa, what's got into you? 348 00:19:07,387 --> 00:19:10,667 Come on, Marty Bear. Win me a teddy. 349 00:19:10,707 --> 00:19:13,347 All righty then. Must dash, Alf pal. 350 00:19:13,387 --> 00:19:14,747 Bit fanny-whipped! 351 00:19:18,627 --> 00:19:21,827 Sob story! Get me Rem Dogg now! 352 00:19:25,107 --> 00:19:28,067 Excuse me, fundraiser to send a little boy to Florida 353 00:19:28,107 --> 00:19:29,587 for life-saving surgery. 354 00:19:31,707 --> 00:19:34,067 Please help me, mate. My brain's all shit. 355 00:20:05,227 --> 00:20:07,147 Um, talk me through this band. 356 00:20:07,187 --> 00:20:10,667 Well, we started out as a tribute act, but we were treading water 357 00:20:10,707 --> 00:20:13,947 so I decided to Mumford us up a bit, you know, heartfelt summery anthems, 358 00:20:13,987 --> 00:20:16,667 reclaiming the banjo from rapey American farmers. 359 00:20:16,707 --> 00:20:19,347 So you're a Mumford and Sons tribute act? 360 00:20:19,387 --> 00:20:22,147 Well, sort of. The problem is, the lead singer, Donald, 361 00:20:22,187 --> 00:20:24,627 he's quite set in his ways with the whole Slipknot vibe. 362 00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:26,347 So the band is called? 363 00:20:26,387 --> 00:20:27,667 Knotslip and Sons. 364 00:20:27,707 --> 00:20:30,387 Does that mash-up work? Yes. 365 00:20:32,747 --> 00:20:33,987 Perfecto. 366 00:20:38,187 --> 00:20:41,387 I came home, and I saw you 367 00:20:41,427 --> 00:20:45,707 You were waiting, waiting for me 368 00:20:45,747 --> 00:20:49,347 In the sun, there you were 369 00:20:49,387 --> 00:20:53,147 Arms were open, wide as the sea 370 00:20:53,187 --> 00:20:57,107 I fell to my knees, as if to pray 371 00:20:57,147 --> 00:21:01,987 You opened your sweet mouth This to say 372 00:21:05,107 --> 00:21:07,987 Crawling in the shit! The devil is your dildo! 373 00:21:08,027 --> 00:21:11,587 Feed me to the worms! I'll burn all you bastard-whores! 374 00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:22,267 Thank you, Jesus for this glorious day. 375 00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:28,787 A grand? Is that it? 376 00:21:28,827 --> 00:21:31,707 You tried your best. I'm still proud of you, Alf. 377 00:21:31,747 --> 00:21:34,787 What good's that? You're still not going to stay at Abbey Grove. 378 00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:36,867 We've still got Gladys's car wash. 379 00:21:48,547 --> 00:21:53,867 I don't think Gladys's milkshake is bringing too many boys to the yard. 380 00:21:53,907 --> 00:21:55,227 What about the man auction? 381 00:21:55,267 --> 00:21:57,787 We're 19 grand short, dipshit. 382 00:21:57,827 --> 00:22:00,427 Going once, going twice... 383 00:22:00,467 --> 00:22:02,787 sold to Mrs Carmichael! 384 00:22:05,987 --> 00:22:09,347 Now, our next slave for a day is a bit of a catch. 385 00:22:09,387 --> 00:22:11,947 It's Mr Fraser! 386 00:22:11,987 --> 00:22:14,347 Hi, ladies. I'm up for anything. 387 00:22:14,387 --> 00:22:17,067 Cooking, cleaning, foot rubs - giving or receiving. 388 00:22:17,107 --> 00:22:18,467 Actually, not receiving. 389 00:22:18,507 --> 00:22:20,987 I've got a pretty nuclear crop of bunions at the moment. 390 00:22:21,027 --> 00:22:23,507 Shall we start the bidding at ?50? 391 00:22:23,547 --> 00:22:26,107 Yes! Oh, ?50 from Mrs Welsh. 392 00:22:27,387 --> 00:22:30,427 ?60 from Gladys. Oh, tits! 393 00:22:32,107 --> 00:22:35,667 ?70 from Mrs Welsh. Go on. 394 00:22:35,707 --> 00:22:38,947 ?80, Gladys, with you. Can I get ?100? 395 00:22:40,427 --> 00:22:43,107 Oh, ?100 from Gladys, going once... 396 00:22:43,147 --> 00:22:46,067 This is ridiculous, she can't even hear. 397 00:22:46,107 --> 00:22:49,067 Going twice. But we're not even paying her! 398 00:22:49,107 --> 00:22:52,147 Sold to Gladys for ?100! 399 00:22:52,187 --> 00:22:53,187 Amazing! 400 00:22:54,347 --> 00:22:59,027 Our next slave for the day is a very, very special man, 401 00:22:59,067 --> 00:23:01,867 um, sorry... 402 00:23:01,907 --> 00:23:04,587 He's just done so much to make today happen. 403 00:23:04,627 --> 00:23:07,387 I know we may have not raised enough to keep this school going, 404 00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:12,867 but Mr Wickers, he exemplifies everything that I will miss 405 00:23:12,907 --> 00:23:14,507 about Abbey Grove. 406 00:23:15,627 --> 00:23:17,147 I know it's unconventional, 407 00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:19,267 but I'd quite like to start the bidding myself. 408 00:23:19,307 --> 00:23:20,947 ?50 for Alfie. 409 00:23:20,987 --> 00:23:23,027 ?60. 70. 410 00:23:23,067 --> 00:23:25,347 ?80! 411 00:23:25,387 --> 00:23:27,907 100. ?200! 412 00:23:27,947 --> 00:23:29,987 Don't worry, girls, you can share me. 413 00:23:30,027 --> 00:23:32,067 OK, but she's not kissing your mouth. 414 00:23:32,107 --> 00:23:34,907 This gentleman would like to make a bid on behalf of his employer. 415 00:23:34,947 --> 00:23:36,907 I'll match whatever he bids. 416 00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:43,627 I don't think you will, Miss Gulliver. The bid is for ?25,000. 417 00:23:43,667 --> 00:23:46,267 What? 418 00:23:46,307 --> 00:23:48,667 That's enough to save the school! 419 00:23:48,707 --> 00:23:52,307 Well, I can't match that. Chantelle? 420 00:23:52,347 --> 00:23:53,867 Wait, is this a wind-up? 421 00:23:55,507 --> 00:23:57,987 Going once, going twice, 422 00:23:58,027 --> 00:24:00,587 sold, to the mystery bidder! 423 00:24:11,427 --> 00:24:13,867 We did it. We did it! 424 00:24:15,387 --> 00:24:17,347 Who'd spend all that money on me? 425 00:24:17,387 --> 00:24:20,307 Well, whoever it is, they've saved the school. 426 00:24:20,347 --> 00:24:25,187 And seeing as Abbey Grove's going to be OK, I think, maybe... 427 00:24:25,227 --> 00:24:27,147 What? 428 00:24:27,187 --> 00:24:29,507 I'm not going to South Africa, Alf. 429 00:24:29,547 --> 00:24:33,067 You said yourself that the school needs me and you need me, 430 00:24:33,107 --> 00:24:36,467 but I've come to realise that I need the school, and... 431 00:24:39,627 --> 00:24:41,947 I also need... 432 00:24:41,987 --> 00:24:45,027 No, no. We made this mistake last term. 433 00:24:45,067 --> 00:24:49,227 Oh, yeah, you're right. We should just be friends. 434 00:24:49,267 --> 00:24:53,347 No, I meant kissing in front of the kids. 435 00:24:53,387 --> 00:24:54,867 Come with me. 436 00:25:02,987 --> 00:25:05,347 Oh, Dad! 437 00:25:05,387 --> 00:25:06,987 Jesus! 438 00:25:07,027 --> 00:25:08,027 Alf! 439 00:25:08,067 --> 00:25:12,147 Oh, Christ, er, er... Celia had the hiccups. 440 00:25:12,187 --> 00:25:15,867 I was trying to scare her by giving her the willies. 441 00:25:15,907 --> 00:25:17,787 Stop doing this! 442 00:25:17,827 --> 00:25:19,467 Now calm down, Smoocher. 443 00:25:19,507 --> 00:25:22,027 Martin, you must tell him. 444 00:25:22,067 --> 00:25:24,867 Er, Celia and I, er... 445 00:25:24,907 --> 00:25:28,027 She mentioned that you may have seen an invitation? 446 00:25:28,067 --> 00:25:29,707 What invitation? 447 00:25:31,787 --> 00:25:34,267 Oh, God, yes, sorry - how could I forget? 448 00:25:34,307 --> 00:25:39,227 Well, it's an invitation to a very special occasion. 449 00:25:39,267 --> 00:25:42,107 We're getting married! 450 00:25:42,147 --> 00:25:46,267 Dad, what the hell? You are marrying this stupid hobbit woman? 451 00:25:46,307 --> 00:25:49,227 Oh, Alf, I love this hobbit woman. 452 00:25:49,267 --> 00:25:50,987 Could we stop saying hobbit woman? 453 00:25:51,027 --> 00:25:52,387 Sorry, darling. 454 00:25:52,427 --> 00:25:55,387 Alf, we're going to be a family again. 455 00:25:55,427 --> 00:25:57,827 Come here, Smoocher. Hug Mummy. 456 00:26:03,147 --> 00:26:05,267 Alfie, come back! Alfie! 457 00:26:12,427 --> 00:26:14,827 I know I should be pretty annoyed 458 00:26:14,867 --> 00:26:17,907 but at least Pro Green makes my dad happy. 459 00:26:19,027 --> 00:26:20,267 I'm happy too. 460 00:26:21,627 --> 00:26:22,787 Ahem! 461 00:26:22,827 --> 00:26:24,427 What, Jing? 462 00:26:24,467 --> 00:26:27,947 Sir, the anonymous bidder says that you have to leave immediately, 463 00:26:27,987 --> 00:26:29,747 otherwise the deal is off. 464 00:26:34,467 --> 00:26:36,227 You'll be here when I get back, right? 465 00:26:36,267 --> 00:26:37,267 Of course I will. 466 00:27:08,187 --> 00:27:10,467 Pickwell! 467 00:27:10,507 --> 00:27:12,067 You bought me? 468 00:27:12,107 --> 00:27:14,307 Oh, yes, Mr Wickers. 469 00:27:14,347 --> 00:27:18,067 But... last time I saw you, you were penniless! 470 00:27:18,107 --> 00:27:23,907 Mm. Well, you remember my German consort, the Beast of Bergandorf? 471 00:27:23,947 --> 00:27:26,627 Sadly the old man died last month, 472 00:27:26,667 --> 00:27:30,147 leaving me all the gold he'd stashed in Switzerland. 473 00:27:30,187 --> 00:27:33,147 Hence, my little splurge on you. 474 00:27:33,187 --> 00:27:37,347 What can you possibly do with me that's worth ?25,000? 475 00:27:39,147 --> 00:27:41,067 Oh, you have no idea. 476 00:27:43,667 --> 00:27:45,347 Let the games begin. 477 00:27:47,147 --> 00:27:48,307 A saddle?! 478 00:27:49,667 --> 00:27:51,027 Drive on, Mephisto. 479 00:28:05,912 --> 00:28:37,908 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells